


let's right, these wrongs, together

by nicolorenaldigenovia



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assumptions, Best Friends, Break Up Talk, Completed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, I Never Stopped Loving You, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani Needs a Hug, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani and Nicky | Nicolò di Genova are in Love, Kissing in the Rain, Love Confessions, Love of My Life to the Rescue, M/M, Minor Injuries, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Nile Freeman is So Done, Nile Freeman is the Best, Post-Break Up, Re-Learning Love, Residual Hurt, Romantic Angst, Roommates, Scheming Nile Freeman, Sisters, Soft Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Soft Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, We're Doing Our Best, Yusuf's Family, Yusuf's Family is Nicolo's Family, love confessions in the rain, re-learning each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:26:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26908102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicolorenaldigenovia/pseuds/nicolorenaldigenovia
Summary: Because it’s only been nearly a year, and Nicky's yearned for the man for longer, way before they got together. And even with all the odds, with all the numbers combined, Nicky doesn’t believe that there’ll be enough time that can pass to heal the pain that’s clawing on his chest at that moment. That has been since Yusuf said it was over.Nile’s legs move from his lap, and suddenly there are arms around him, pulling him close and Nicky closes his eyes, pressing his face on Nile’s neck.“You’re allowed to hurt as long as you have to, Nicky,” Nile says to him, and it’s so, so kind. “You can tell me as much or as little as you can. I didn’t mean to push.”“I still love him,” he croaks out, like it needed to be heard, like his desperation is a call out for his heart. His heart that let him go, that told him that it’s over.***or the one where Nicky is housemates with Nile after Yusuf breaks up with him. And when he finally opens up about it, Nicky realizes that his current predicament was brought on by misunderstandings and good intentions with ill results. But it’s too late. It’s been nearly a year; it doesn’t matter now.Right?Not if your housemate is Nile Freeman.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Nile Freeman & Nicky | Nicolo di Genova
Comments: 134
Kudos: 619





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> first multi-chaptered work for TOG fandom! the tags apply to the whole story!
> 
> thank you again to kit (kingyusuf) for the prompt:  
>  _“i still have your sister’s scarf and i know it’s stupid but i’ve been hoping maybe one day you’ll come by and pick it up so we’ll be forced to talk again because i haven’t seen you in months and i’m maybe kinda sorta still in love with you” AU_

Spring has long since faded behind him, the heat slowly building and starting to crawl on his skin.

“Nicky, aren’t you warm?”

Nicky looks up then, which is worrying even to himself, because he’s walking down the sidewalk with Nile, the two of them walking down the sidewalk on their way home from lunch. He tilts his head in response and Nile just gives him a soft smile. She’s always giving him soft smiles, since he moved in with her almost a year ago. Then she reaches over, and tugs on his scarf.

“This. It’s hot, Nicky. Why do you have this on?” she asks, and Nicky looks down.

Around his neck was a soft, Pashmina scarf, a soft, golden colour. The official colour name is Amber, he’s been told. It’s definitely not his colour, because it’s definitely not Nicky’s.

It’s not even _his._

“It’s my favourite,” he whispers, trying to ignore the ache in his chest. Nile smiles and nods, smoothing in down with a smile. “I’ve noticed. You were wearing it, when we met,” she says. “But that was spring, Nicky. This is really warm.”

Warm. He doesn’t feel warm. He hasn’t felt warm in a while.

The ache pulls and he gives Nile a wry smile.

“I hadn’t noticed.”

***

They say that the rule of thumb after a break up is to move as far as you can. Another city. Another country. Across the world. The longer the relationship, the farther you should go. At least that’s what he overheard, while taking the subway to get to his new place for the first time.

But Nicky, as much as his circle very much revolved around his heart and his family, have come to love the city all on his own. And he had been thinking of moving due to his career, had voice it to his heart, before Yusuf, before his heart…

His heart. No. He’s no longer Nicky’s heart.

And yet he makes it ache so. Almost a year ago.

Nicky moved to another borough, and moved in with Nile. She just got tenure and was teaching at the satellite campus that Nicky negotiated to be at, when he got promoted and bargained, only for his life to change. Same still the same university, still the same job, mostly working from home, but…away.

Away from his heart. Away from Yusuf. Like the man had expected.

There he goes again. Yusuf is no longer is heart.

The amount of times that he still has to remind himself is getting quite pathetic. It’s been almost a year. But together, they had three and he aches for every single second of it.

He’s lucky, to be able to have a housemate like Nile. She had been kind, when they first met, and is the most ideal roommate, that’s almost militaristic, he first observed. When he brought it up on their first dinner together as housemates, Nile just giggled and told him that she was a former marine. Like it’s just a fact in such a rich, young life.

A force of a woman, Yusuf would say.

Nicky still remembers staring at Nile after that night, remembering other forces of women he left behind when things ended with Yusuf. Andy, Quynh.

Nasima.

Mama.

“Are you okay?” Nile had asked, after she had noticed. And Nicky just kept staring, even as he started crying. He couldn’t even let her continue when she asked if she could hold him, because he had nodded immediately and fell into her arms. He was mortified, but he needed to be held.

And Nile did. Nile held him like Andy and Quynh had done many times before, when Yusuf and him were just friends. Like Nasima had done before, when she had been going through her own breakup and he stayed with her while Yusuf had been away at work and he missed him, leaving with the scarf that was a gift from Yusuf to his little sister, promising to give it back. Like how Mama had done before, when his own mother passed away just two years ago, and he couldn’t come home for the funeral.

Nicky knew then that he had a friend in Nile then, for she had been kind. And she has been kind ever since. Patient too.

“So, whose is it?” Nile asks, when they got home, and Nicky looks at her then.

Maybe even the most patient people run out of it.

“Nasima’s” he whispers, sitting beside her on the couch, smiling when she throws her feet on his lap, and he lets his hands settle on her ankles, squeezing gently. She smiles, bending forwards to reach for the scarf, gently tugging at it.

“Ah yes,” Nile says, narrowing her eyes. “Nasima yes, brilliant human. Nicky, I do not know who you’re talking about,” she says, smiling at him so softly, and Nicky looks down at the scarf.

“It’ll look better on you really,” Nicky mutters, recognizing that the colour is not for him. It washes him out, but on Nile, it’ll look brilliant. The thought of giving it away though, he finds himself tightening his hand around it, and Nile just laughs softly.

“Hey,” she starts, leaning back now, and smiling at him so softly. Like she always does. She handles Nicky better than anyone he knows.

Not that he knows many people now. The thought aches through Nicky and he sighs, curling up a little, bringing his face to his own chest, taking the scarf and curling it around his neck, burrowing his nose in the fabric.

If he concentrates hard enough, he can still smell Yusuf on it, and it brings immediate tears to his eyes. Because it’s only been nearly a year, and he’s yearned for the man for longer, way before they got together. And even with all the odds, with all the numbers combined, Nicky doesn’t believe that there’ll be enough time that can pass to heal the pain that’s clawing on his chest at that moment. That has been since Yusuf said it was over. 

Nile’s legs move from his lap, and suddenly there are arms around him, pulling him close and Nicky closes his eyes, pressing his face on Nile’s neck.

“You’re allowed to hurt as long as you have to, Nicky,” Nile says to him, and it’s so, so kind. “You can tell me as much or as little as you can. I didn’t mean to push.”

Nicky sniffles. “I still love him,” he croaks out, like it needed to be heard, like his desperation is a call out for his heart. His heart that let him go, that told him that it’s over.

Nile’s hands are gentle and comforting over his arms, stroking. “I am so sorry,” she whispers, and Nicky shivers, and there’s tears. There’s always tears when it comes to what happened. Because he’s not a fool. He’s not over it. He’s not over Yusuf leaving him.

It’s pathetic, really. So, damn, pathetic.

“I’ll work from home this week,” Nile says, and Nicky blinks then, looking up at Nile, who is smiling at him. Her hands reach over, and she’s using the hem of her sleeve to wipe at his tears. “I have online lectures for this. I only have two classes to run. I can do it here. I’ll stay with you,” she says, and Nicky gulps.

“I’ll be in a phone conference for almost the whole time,” Nicky whispers. Because the first check in of his research in London is this week. The job in London he got, that he thought he had to move for, but after talking to Yusuf, he had moved earths and constellations to stay, only to be too late. And now he’s stuck with his negotiations.

Nile just smiles, and nods, leaning in and kissing his forehead. “I know, but…I want to be here for you, Nicky,” she says, smiling so softly. “I’m your friend.”

Nicky smiles and sniffles, and he falls forward, pressing his forehead on Nile’s shoulder, who just chuckles and runs a hand through his hair, her hands gentle, and she’s moving the scarf so it’s fully open, draping over his own shoulders like a blanket now, and he whimpers.

_He misses him so much._

“I got you, Nicky.”

***

“His name’s Yusuf.”

Nile looks up, and blinks at him. They finished their first day of working home together, and Nicky’s ears are still ringing from the number of phone conferences he needed to be a part of. There were just so many voices fighting each other at times, he’s amazed that he even got a word in, or was able to take notes.

Nile had been an amazing quiet presence throughout. She’d disappear into the office for the classes she had to run, but otherwise, she’s near him, or by his side, squeezing his knee when she could hear him start to get heated. And it’s a grounding presence that he adores and loves, and could always trace back to the other women that he loves and miss so much.

Nicky meets Nile’s gaze then and gives her what he hopes is a smile. “My ex. His name’s Yusuf,” he whispers, sighing softly, and glancing over to the couch, where the scarf is draped over the back so carefully. “His sister Nasima gave me that to use, and uh…it was his gift to her. And he’d wear it, sometimes, when I had it.”

“That’s so sweet,” Nile says, and she’s smiling and she sounds like she means it. “That you were that close to his sister.”

He nods, biting his lip. “I love Nasima, really. She’s very sweet, and uh. His whole family is, actually. I adore…all of them,” he says, unable to help himself. He loves Yusuf’s family, just as much he loves Yusuf. No amount of time apart, or break up will ever change that, he doesn’t think.

Nile nods then, reaching for his hand. Nicky meets her in the middle and squeezes hers in return. “Do you mind me asking what happened?” Nile whispers, and Nicky doesn’t mind. He brought up Yusuf, for a reason. So he shakes his head, and gulps.

“We were together…for three years. I…really love him,” he says, because it’s not loved. It’s love. He loves him. He loves Yusuf. He loves Yusuf and the those three years, full of happiness and promises and everything Nicky wanted and now lost.

“And a year ago…I got promoted by the university. But the promotion required me to move. To London,” Nicky continues, and when Nile frowns, he shakes his head. “Let me finish? Please?” he asks, and waits until she nods, though her eyebrows are still furrowed.

Nicky takes a moment to keep going, blinking a little as he tries to remember exactly how it went down. The details are all there, he knows it, but lately they’ve been blurring, like his brain is finally allowing him some reprieve. “Yusuf’s whole life is here. He grew up here. His family, his dream job. Leaving this city…it was never going to happen. _I_ was the addition to his life, here. But I told him, anyways, because…I wanted to be honest with him. I really…wanted this job,” he admits.

And it’s true. Even now, he enjoys the job. It’s hectic and it requires much of his time, but he does enjoy it.

“How did he react?” Nile asks, her voice soft, apprehensive. And in so little words, he can feel her protectiveness, and she squeezes her hand then, smiling.

“He was very happy for me, Nile,” Nicky says, with the utmost honesty he can put into his words, into his tone. “My Yusuf…I mean…Yusuf. He’s very kind, and very…he was so very happy for me. He knew how much I had wanted this job,” he says, before trailing off, remembering the immediate follow-up.

_“Wait, London?”_ Yusuf had said, and he can still hear it so clearly, ringing in his ears.

“So, what happened,” Nile whispers. “If he was so happy for you?” she continues and Nicky squeezes her hand again.

“Don’t be angry with him,” he starts, and Nile shakes her head.

“Just tell me and I’ll decide,” she replies, in that no-nonsense when she is so capable of, and again he thinks of Andy and Quynh. And Nasima and Mama and it hurts in a way that aches so deeply.

Nicky takes a deep breath then. “I told him, that it was for London. That…that the job would require me to move. It took a little moment, but he eventually realized that meant me, leaving, to go to London,” he says, taking a deep breath, and the memory is just streaming in. And he has to try really hard not to fall into it.

_“Oh…London. You…I…London?”_ Yusuf had said, his eyes widening at each syllable, face paling. _“You’d have to go…to London?”_

Nicky’s heart had hurt, hearing the words, and he gulps. He was the addition, and that was the reminder, Yusuf’s words to him, and he couldn’t even choke any words out, so he had just nodded, looking away.

He had to be the one to figure it out.

“Nicky?” Nile whispers, and Nicky closes his eyes then, tears streaming down his cheeks, and it never surprises him anymore. He hears Nile moving, her chair scrapping on the floor, fast and heavy and she’s moving beside him, pulling him in her arms, squeezing.

“Don’t be angry with Yusuf,” Nicky finds himself saying, and Nile shakes her head.

“I’ll decide once you tell me the whole thing,” she replies immediately, her lips on her forehead. “Are you okay to continue?” Nile asks, and Nicky sighs against her, nodding.

“I had to figure it out,” he says, eventually. Because he did. He wanted to stay, with Yusuf. But he also wanted the job. So he had to figure it out. There was _no other alternative_. “I had to. So…I talked to the committee, to the research board. To see if I could do the job from here, without going to London. And they…they needed it to be worth their time. And I was willing to work. So I took more classes, I committed to more hours on the board in exchange for me to be able to my work in London from here unless it truly required my presence.”

Nile’s quiet, for a long while.

“That’s why you transferred to this campus,” Nile mutters, shifting now, and pulling away to look at him, her eyebrows furrowed as she thinks. “The extra classes, everything. Here. That was the compromise,” she says, and Nicky sniffles, nodding his head before looking down. “Nicky…if that’s the case then why—”

He bites his lip hard, but the tears still come. “I—I was too late,” he whispers, refusing to look at Nile, shaking his head firmly when she tries to tilt his chin up.

“Explain.”

Nicky doesn’t really know how, face crumpling at the memory of it all and it hurts so much. How do you say it at all? That he made enough of a successful case that he had been allowed to stay, and was about to tell Yusuf over dinner one night, but the man broke up with him instead.

_“I love you, so much, Nicolo,”_ Yusuf had said, tears in his eyes, his face so pale, hands shaking. _“I can’t be in the way of what of this. Of what…of what motivates you. Of what’s had you working so hard these past few months. What makes you happy. Truly happy. Of you…going to London.”_

And he had listened to the words, his own words choking him, leaving him speechless as he stared at Yusuf. He stared and he stared and he stared because he couldn’t speak. He felt numb. Yusuf stared back, for a while, but the man always had words, no matter the eventuality. He watched as his heart gave him a wry, bitter smile.

_“It’s for the best, right? You…in London? It’s what you wanted. So, this…it’ll be easier, not to have be tethered by someone in another continent?”_ Yusuf had said, like he is just “someone.” Like he believed that Nicky ever loved him, referring to himself that way. Like he was not Nicky’s _heart,_ the reason that Nicky stayed in a country so different from his. Like he had already decided that he was nothing to Nicky, which could only mean that Nicky meant nothing to him, after all these years, and it hurt, shooting through the numbness.

“Nicky!”

Nicky gasps, pulling himself out of the memories as he struggles to breathe, gasping at the force of his sobs. Nile’s hands are on his shoulders, her eyes wide, worried, and scared.

“Breathe, c’mon Nicky you’re alright. You’re alright. We’re done for the night,” she says, voice soft, yet urgent and Nicky crumbles, falling against her and sobbing. It’s not fair that he’s feeling this much pain after almost a year. That he’s this broken. Still completely _tethered to someone who didn’t want him._

“I was too late,” he moans out, sobbing into Nile’s chest, ruining her sweater with his snot and his tears and his grief. “He said it was for the best. He didn’t want to get in the way of anything. It didn’t matter what I did, how hard I worked. My heart didn’t want me any longer,” he sobs, and Nile holds him close, her arms strong around him, her lips in his hair, soft words laced with panic, holding him together.

***

Nile lasts about the end of the week before she bursts.

“Nicky,” she starts, after they’ve settled on the couch after dinner. Nicky’s curled up under Nasima’s scarf, his head on Nile’s stomach. There’s a blanket atop of them both, even though it isnt’ chilly at all. But it comforts them both. At least it does Nicky.

“Hm?” he asks, looking up at Nile. Her braids are piled atop of her head, a few falling perfectly, framing her face. He reaches up and tugs at one of them gently, and she just smiles, taking his hand, intertwining their fingers together.

“I have a question,” she starts, holding his gaze. “A few actually. You have to promise not to get upset at my questions, but it’s been killing me.”

Nicky frowns then, before nodding. He doesn’t sit up, just keeps looking at her as Nile takes a deep breath, biting her lip.

“How long did it take you to negotiate to stay here?” she starts, and Nicky hums, thinking.

“A few months,” he says, after a beat. “A good three…maybe four.”

Nile nods her head gently, poking his forehead gently with a gentle little finger. “You started your classes then? And more hours at the board?” she asks, and Nicky nods again, this time tilting his head a little.

“Late nights?” she continues, and again he nods. “Full weekends.” Another nod.

“Nile…” he starts, trying to sit up now, and she keeps a gentle but firm hand on his shoulder, so he stays, laughing weakly when she brackets her arms around him, holding him close.

“I’m not done. You’re staying here,” she says, looking up at the ceiling for a moment before looking down at him. “So, for four months, you were doing all of this, for what?”

Nicky frowns then, staring at her. “To stay. I wanted to stay.”

“Did Yusuf know that?” she asks, and Nicky freezes. He starts to move but Nile pushes him back down again, this time, actually making an effort.

“Nile—”

“Did Yusuf know you were doing all of that to stay?” she asks, and Nicky closes his eyes, trying to move away from Nile this time, even more so, but the woman doesn’t let him go. “That you were busy for months after telling him you’d have to move to London because you had wanted to stay”

_“I have to do this, Yusuf. I have to make this work_ ,” he had said, once maybe a few times, and he remembered feeling confused, when Yusuf would meet him with a gulp and a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. He had thought that the man would be happy.

“Nile—please,” he starts, and Nile makes a soft noise, but she doesn’t let go, bending over and holding him now, hugging him.

Nile’s taking a deep breath again, and Nicky squeezes his eyes shut tighter. “Nile please,” he whispers again, and again, Nile shakes her head.

“Look at me, Nicky,” she says, and when Nicky opens his eyes, he sees that she’s looking at him so softly, her eyes knowing and sad.

Nicky whimpers, his bottom lip shaking now, and Nile just gently presses her thumb over the apples of his cheeks, catching the inevitable tears. “You didn’t ask him to come with you, did you?” she asks, and Nicky sobs then, sniffling.

“I—I was the addition, Nile,” he gasps out. “I had no right. I had to figure it out…I had to be the one to stay. I had to figure it out before—” He stops then, his whole body starting to shake. “B—But I was too late. He said it was for t—the best.”

Nile frowns then, her eyes widening a fraction. “Nicky…” she starts, and she sounds genuinely worried. “Did you end up ever telling him?” she asked, and Nicky mirrors her expression then.

“Tell him what?” he asks, and Nile’s expression drops completely, taking his hands now and squeezing it.

“Nicky,” she starts, shaking her head. “After you broke up, did you tell him anything else?” Nile asks, and Nicky shakes his head.

“I could barely breathe, Nile,” he mutters, and his chest feels heavy as he says it. “I left, after a week.”

“So not another word, then?” she says, slowly and Nicky bites his lip, nodding. There had been no other words. He avoided Yusuf after they broke up, and packed in the dead of night. He barely said goodbye when he left.

Then Nile lets out an incredulous, disbelieving laugh, and he blinks.

“So you…fuck Nicky,” she says, and she’s pulling at his hands then, and he sits up now, facing her. Nile takes his face in her hands as soon as he’s upright.

“Listen to me, okay? You…You skipped a whole step, not asking this man to go to London. No, you skipped a whole fucking _flight_ when you didn’t even bother telling him all you were doing so you get to stay…and when he breaks up with you to not get in the way so you can go have your career, you didn’t bother correcting him. You accepted what he assumed and left,” she says, and Nicky’s eyes widen then, and Nile laughs in his face, and it’s sad and it’s hard not to feel pitied.

“You didn’t miss a flight of stairs, Nicky. You jumped off the whole fucking building, you goddamn idiot.”

And Nicky will take it, because _fuck._

Yusuf thinks he’s still in London.

“Fuck.”

***

After Nicky calms down, Nile helps him go through exactly what he’d done. And it makes him feel so much worse, afterwards.

“Everyone thinks you’re in London,” Nile surmises and Nicky buries his face in his hands.

“I couldn’t talk to Yusuf, let alone his sister, or his parents. Or our friends,” he whimpers, because in his grief, he changed his number, all the contact info that he has except for the one at the university, which now holds his credentials as one of the researchers currently working in London. A few times, people had called, left a voicemail. Never Yusuf. Just everyone else. Nasima, Andy and Quynh. Once even Mama. Baba, too. But he never answered. He just cried.

He moved to this borough to stay away from his and Yusuf’s favourite spots, to make sure to never see him. He even deactivated any little social media he had.

Nile shakes her head with a sigh. “But you’re in the _same city_ ,” she exclaims and Nicky gives her a look then, through his fingers, under his misery.

“I’m on the other side, a different borough. It’s bad enough, you’ll learn soon,” he says, and Nile flicks at his forehead, and then at his nose then.

“Ow!”

“This is a giant clusterfuck of a _misunderstanding_ , Nicky! You’re miserable because you sailed across each other like two idiots in the night with nothing but a gold scarf keeping you afloat,” she says, and Nicky pouts at her then.

“I thought you were nice,” he says, sniffling. “But words hurt, you know, Nile?” he adds, and he’s mostly joking, but hearing Nile talk to him like this kind of stings just a little, even if he does deserve it. Nile’s eyes soften then, taking his hand.

“And I’ve watched you be a husk of a human, sad and crying and yearning for your past, and now that I know that it can be fixed, I just…I want that for you,” Nile says, and her voice is gentle and sweet, and he sighs.

Nicky shakes his head, looking down.

“Everyone called me, but never Yusuf,” he reasons and Nile scoffs.

“Did you ever answer the calls?” she asks, simply and he shakes his head.

“So how do you know? That it’s not Yusuf?” she asks, and Nicky gulps, but doesn’t dare to hope. Though it does sound like something his Yusuf would do, thinking of all the times he’d get calls from his heart from his Mama’s cellphone when he’s away visiting them, just to say I love you, when he was going to see him that very same day.

Nicky can’t hope, not right now. Not ever.

“Don’t give me hope, Nile,” he whispers, voice soft, and Nile sighs softly, shaking her head. Then she just pulls him into her arms, kissing his forehead, and he closes his eyes, exhausted. “I’m fine with how things are now. I’ve accepted it.”

“Just rest Nicky, I got this.”

“Okay,” he slurs out, not realizing that he just gave Nile permission to do.

***

“I have a guest lecturer coming in two weeks,” Nile says, a week later, and Nicky hums, not looking away from his laptop. He has a deadline, and he’s going to have to be awake at the crack of dawn to match the timezone of his London counterparts.

“Hm? On what?”

“Art and Documentation Restoration. They’re going to be with me for a few weeks,” Nile calls, from the kitchen and he hums again.

“Sounds good,” he mutters, and Nile hums back from her spot by the sink.

“Yeah! It’s really cool. Someone from the gallery downtown is sending someone over. An expert of theirs,” she says, and Nicky blinks then, turning to her.

“Gallery, downtown,” he repeats, his heart pounding in his chest, and Nile just nods, smiling softly.

No. No way. There are a number of galleries downtown.

There is _no way_.

“Yeah. I’m thinking of convincing the university to let the gallery be a part of their shadowing program for the Art History department. The director’s really nice,” she says, and Nicky gulps, putting down his laptop now, and Nile nods, wiping her hands now and crossing her arms, walking over.

“The owner and the director are very sweet, actually. They’re sending someone they highly recommend. The Andromache Galleria, you’ve heard of them?” she asks, and Nicky feels like he’s going to faint. Of course he’s heard of the goddamn Andromache Galleria, owned by Andromache Schythia and ran by Dr. Quynh Vu.

“Nile,” he starts, and Nile sits down with him now, taking his hand and squeezing it.

“They’re sending a Yusuf Al-Kaysani. But he keeps telling me to call him Joe,” she says, and Nicky swears he blacks out then, but he can still see Nile. He can still see her smiling and _why is she smiling?_ This is _horrible._

“Why are you doing this?” he croaks out, and yeah, he’s still alive. Still breathing. Choking.

Nile takes his hands again, both of them now, and squeezes them tightly. It’s usually grounding. Now it burns. 

“Because I can’t have you hurting anymore,” she says, and Nicky shakes his head, gasping.

“I’m fine. I’m fine, why can’t you just leave it alone? Why can’t you just leave me alone?” he asks, and there’s tears but they don’t fall. He just feels numb, even though he can’t breathe. “I told you I’m fine with the way things are.”

“You are hurting Nicky, and as your friend, I forbid it.”

“Nile…”  
  


“I forbid it.”

***

“You have to be _fucking kidding me, Nile_!” Nicky yells, scrambling to get out of the apartment because apparently _Joe’s coming for dinner_. And his plans of just staying on the couch after a long week of fucking up his sleeping schedule and constant headaches due to it is now down the drain.

He had managed to avoid any sort of mention of Yusuf to Nile after he found out what she pulled. But then again, he’s not even sure why he’s even remotely surprised. When the woman wants something done, she gets it done. And apparently, she’s determined to make this whole thing her business.

Especially since she believes it can be fixed. And Nicky is on the _other side of that argument_.

Nile blocks his way then, and grabs his shoulders.

“You are _not_ leaving!” she yells, and Nicky growls, the panic crawling in his chest. He tries to get past her, to get to his room, and she just blocks him again and Nicky narrows his eyes.

“Let me go, Nile,” he hisses, and Nile just meets his glare, crossing her arms, trusting him to stay put.

“Try me, Nicky. You’re _not_ leaving,” she says again and Nicky feels like he’s actually being _trapped_. He’s not ready to see Yusuf. He doesn’t want to see Yusuf. All of this misunderstanding, he had dug his grave and now he must _sit_ in it. There is nothing to fix.

“Please,” he tries again, and Nile just stands her ground and he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t. Why was this so important to Nile.

“Just at least…let me stay in my room. I can’t see him,” Nicky begs, and looks into Nile’s eyes, and he hopes his desperation is clear in his eyes. “You’re being really inconsiderate, Nile. You know how hard my week has been.”

And it’s true. Nile knows that his week has been awful. That he’s been feeling ill because of it but he had to push through. He was truly hoping for this. And he sees that Nile’s stance falters for a moment, but in the end, she still shakes her head.

_No._ Nicky won’t have that. There is _no way_. “I was the addition, Nile,” he croaks out, because Nicky needs her to understand if she’s going to _force_ this. “It didn’t matter that I never asked him.”

Nile frowns. “Nicky—”

“Don’t you get it, Nile?!’ he hisses, shaking his head. “It wouldn’t have made a fucking difference!” he yells, because it’s the truth. Even if he had been braver, even if hadn’t been so desperate and actually told Yusuf what he was doing, and didn’t get stuck in trying to make it better, Nicky knows that it probably wouldn’t have made a damn difference.

“He has a life, here. His family. His work, everything. _I_ needed to figure it out,” Nicky whispers, shaking his head. “I don’t want to see him again only to be proven right. He dumped me, remember?,” he mutters, backing away from Nile now, not caring anymore. He grabs Nasima’s scarf off the chair, where he had draped it after laundering, and runs out of the apartment.

Because there’s no way he’s going to get any rest like he had wanted.

He ignores Nile’s cries for him to come back, making his way down the hallway and towards the elevators. Nicky’s chest heaving as he tries to calm himself down, keeping his eyes closed and his head down as he waits, wrapping the scarf haphazardly around himself.

When Nicky hears the ding, he opens his eyes just enough to walk forward, to make his way into the elevator as quickly as possible. He bumps into someone on his way in, sliding inside with a groan, tugging on the scarf as it gets caught on the stranger.

“I’m sorry,” he gasps out, looking up just enough to see the person as they make their way into the hallway.

“Oh, it’s—” the man starts, turning to him, and Nicky’s heart drops as he recognizes the voice immediately, eyes widening, as the elevator doors start to close and he looks up.

“—Alright,” Yusuf trails off, frowning a little and turning to look at him, his hand on the other end of Nasima’s scarf. Nicky yanks at it, and pulls, and watches him through the decreasing space. His own heart drops to his feet, and Nicky swears he hears Yusuf whispers his name then, broken and confused, just as the doors separate them.

“Nicolo?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading the last chapter! i hope you enjoy this one.

Nicky’s pretty much bolting outside only to be stopped by the rain.

Because, of course, it’s raining.

The world just _continues_ to mock Nicky, just like Nile insists on doing. It’s not fair. With a sigh, he steps out in front of the apartment building and takes a deep breath. The rain drops are not that heavy just yet, and they have a rather cooling effect on his headache. At least it isn’t so bad.

Then lightning rips through the sky in front of him and Nicky moans, shaking his head as he feels the rain start to pour harder, the sound starting to overwhelm around him. Just…how dramatic can all of this be?

Right. Fleeting moments with his ex at the elevator as the door closes. He is living in a goddamn romcom at the moment. Except the world is laughing at Nicky, instead of laughing with him. He looks back at the apartment entrance and is glad to find it devoid of people. Good. If he’s lucky, it stays that way and Yusuf just thinks he’s hallucinating.

Nicky looks back in front of him, at the steadily pouring rain now. Maybe he can get some reprieve and he can just stay down here, huddled at the corner until Yusuf exits the building again. Because he’s honestly too tired to deal with all of this. Nicky makes his way to the side of the building, still atop the stairs, just so he’s not blocking the doors.

But he looks back and finds the elevators opening, and it’s still so far, but Nicky can’t risk it. There’s no way. If it turns out to be Yusuf, then he needs to get the hell out of there.

He takes off down the stairs in the harsh rain, and because nothing is going in Nicky’s favour, as soon as he lands at the bottom, his shoes slip on a patch of too smooth cement and he just flies.

He lands on his back with a groan and his vision doubles for a moment. And suddenly, Nicky’s crawling headache is a full migraine starting at the back of his head. His vision is blurry, but it might just be the rain. He bites down at his lip, stretching his legs out because when he felt it bent under him and it hurt and it sucked.

Damn it.

Nicky just stays still after that, and stares up at the sky. It’s dark and he’s blinking at rain drops poking at his eyes. His head hurts so much, but he really doesn’t want to move. It’s not the first time he’s ever laid on the pavement in the rain before. But he’s usually not alone, and Nicky hates that the memory is crawling in his head now.

When he hears the entrance doors open though, Nicky sighs, and closes his eyes, sluggishly moving the scarf from his neck, and trying to drape it over his face.

It covers one eye, and a part of his nose and yeah, it’s good enough.

“Nicolo?”

_Fuck_.

He keeps still, just laying there like the dead pathetic weight that he is, ignoring the sounds of footsteps getting closer, splashing water to him as Yusuf comes to a stop, crouching over him.

“So that’s where the ugly thing has been,” Yusuf says, and his voice is shaky, and choked, and Nicky feels the scarf being pulled off his face. He opens his eyes then and finds his Yusuf, his heart that’s no longer his, looking at him, already starting to get wet under the rain but he doesn’t seem to be bothered.

Nicky tugs on the scarf, letting out a sigh, and looking back up at the sky. “You gave Nasima this scarf,” he mutters, and Yusuf just laughs weakly, and he’s sitting on the pavement beside him now, knees bent, elbows on them.

“Yeah, because it’s her colour. It washes you out,” he hears, and Nicky can’t believe his first words with Yusuf in about almost a year is the man roasting his fashion non-choices.

Nicky doesn’t say anything after that, but he can hear Yusuf. His heart is beating wildly in his chest and he swears he feels his heartbeat at the back of his head. It still hurts, it’s still throbbing but really, he doesn’t care. Because Yusuf is beside him and he’s _quiet_.

“Last I checked, this isn’t London,” Yusuf says, after a moment, and Nicky sighs, glancing at Yusuf then. The man’s staring ahead, at the rain hitting the pavement properly. They’ve sat in the rain together before, and cuddled in the warmth of their home afterwards. All in good fun, rather than Nicky falling on his ass and smashing his head on the pavement, with Yusuf completely unaware.

His head really hurts, _fuck_. But it’s nothing compared to the pain in his chest at Yusuf’s words. He feels bitter, angry, even though he knows, after talking to Nile, after sitting with his stupidity, that his heart that’s no longer his, is not the one at fault here.

But…

“Last I checked, you dumped me,” Nicky mutters, and he thought that he’d be satisfied to see Yusuf when he flinches, but no satisfaction comes. For Yusuf flinches so hard it’s like Nicky hit him, wide eyes turning to him and they’re glassy and wet, before he shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. When his shoulders start to shake, Nicky just feels awful, and his words feel heavy in his heart.

“Yusuf—” he gasps out, but then the man is turning to him, and he looks so upset, eyebrows furrowed as he stares down at him.

“Were you _ever_ in London?” Yusuf asks, and he’s moving on his knees, hovering over Nicky and Nicky blinks rapidly, not moving from his spot. His hands curl over the scarf as he stares at Yusuf. “Or was that just a convenient lie? To—fuck Nicolo if you wanted an out, you could’ve just said so!”

Nicky shakes his head and his head stings like a fucker, but he doesn’t care, staring up at him. “I didn’t lie—” he starts, and when Yusuf scoffs, he shakes his head even more fiercely. “I didn’t!” he yells, grabbing at Yusuf’s arm when he tries to pull away.

“So _why_ the fuck are you here, huh? What happened to London?! What happened to your precious plans that caused me to lose you months before I decided I couldn’t take it anymore?!” Yusuf says, voice croaked and shaking, leaning over him now instead of moving away, and slamming his fist on the pavement beside Nicky, but nowhere near him. He doesn’t even flinch, because he knows his Yusuf would never hurt him. Nicky’s the one that hurt him, that broke him.

Water is dripping a little from Yusuf’s curls over to his face now, and Nicky doesn’t even mind. If this was his last interaction with his heart, he would never mind it. He would never.

Because lose him? How? Nicky dedicated months trying to stay with Yusuf. Nicky’s the one that lost.

“I lost you…as soon as you told me you were going to London and it was _all you could think of!_ ” Yusuf continues and Nicky gulps, his heart dropping. No. No, no, no. Yusuf has it wrong. That was not it. It wasn’t. He did all of that for a reason. He did it because he wanted to stay, with Yusuf.

“No—” Nicky moans out, shaking his head, trying to ignore the pain in his head, pulling at Yusuf’s arm now. “No, you have it wrong. That’s not it. It wasn’t it!” he yells, and Yusuf just stares at him, and Nicky’s crying now. And he doesn’t care. Because when he feels drops on his face coming from Yusuf, they feel warm unlike the rain, and he just knows that his heart is crying too.

His heart. His heart has it all wrong. “That wasn’t it, Yusuf. You have to believe me, please,” he whimpers, clutching on his arm. “Please.”

“Then what is it, Nicolo?” Yusuf asks, sitting back down on the pavement, but he’s kind enough to not wrench his arm from Nicky’s hold. “Because not once you did you ask me to go to London with you, but all you could do since telling me was tell me you really wanted that job. For months…it was all London. It’s clear you didn’t want me,” he whimpers, and Nicky closes his eyes.

He hates how right Nile is in all of this. “That’s not true,” he whispers, moving his head and fuck the _sting_ is a reminder but he doesn’t care.

“Right. You keep saying.” And there’s so much derision, and anger in his tone, and Nicky hates how it’s directed all to him. Yusuf’s never talked to him in this tone before.

Nicky gulps, keeping his eyes closed, tightening his hand on Yusuf’s arm. “I really wanted the job,” he starts, and cries out when Yusuf moves, pulling away, and he opens his eyes then, wide and scared. “Wait—!”

“I already _know_ this, Nicolo!” Yusuf says, gasping, and shaking his head, and he sounds so pained and Nicky hates himself for it. “I know you only cared about the _fucking job_ —” and Nicky can’t take it anymore.

“I was the addition, Yusuf!” he yells, pulling at his arm and looking into his eyes, a sob escaping him. From the pain in his chest, from his head, from everything, he doesn’t know or care. All he knows is that he hurts. “I—You have a life here. A family, friends, a job you loved. When I met you…you had everything here. And I…I only had you,” he whimpers, shaking his head and blinking rapidly.

“London…it was my thing that I wanted, and I wanted you with me but I never thought to ask because it wasn’t my place,” Nicky says, doing his best to dig into his most vulnerable self, where his insecurities and pain lie together and can only ever make sense to him when Yusuf’s there to soothe it. And he hasn’t been there to do so for a long time.

Nicky gulps, and looks away, feeling shame crawl through him, dropping his hand, letting go of Yusuf’s arm. “I wanted you with me but I had no right to ask that of you. I had stayed here because of the life I built with you and your family, but I had no right to ask you when I was just a mere addition in your life. Who am I to usurp your life here?” he moans out, moving his hands and curling both of them over Nasima’s scarf, curling into it slightly and sniffling, his shoulders shaking.

He doesn’t think he can get up from the pavement now, even if he wanted.

Yusuf shifts, and he glances at him then to find him looking away, shaking his head like he can’t believe what Nicky’s saying to him. And he doesn’t blame him.

“But you’re here. You…you told me you wanted London and you basically…fell away from my life, Nicolo,” Yusuf whispers, looking at him now. His curls are drenched because it’s still pouring around them, but it’s clear that the man doesn’t care as much as he doesn’t care about getting up from the pavement. “And every time I tried to talk to you, you’d have another reason or excuse that just amounted to how much you wanted to make it work, to make London work,” he says, and Nicky shakes his head.

And that was a mistake, wincing a little when something pulls under him, at the back of his head, but Nicky just shifts, until it hurts even just a little less.

“That’s not it—” he starts, and Yusuf growls then, narrowing his eyes.

“I know what you said!” he yells, and Nicky gets it. He gets it, but he can’t keep him thinking this. No. He grabs at Yusuf again and this time, he grabs at his wrist, squeezing it, and he thanks the heavens that the man doesn’t just yank wrist away. “I was there, those four months, chasing you when all you could think about was the job. I know because I was there to lose you before it even ended!”

“I know, Yusuf,” Nicky says, trying to keep his voice steady, trying to keep the pain away from his tone, tears down his face because he can hear how much he broke Yusuf’s heart just now. He can hear his pain. “I know…just please…”

Nicky looks at him then, and he doesn’t have to work hard to look into Yusuf’s eyes because the man is staring at him already, looking even more hurt and even more confused since this all started.

Nicky takes a deep breath and sniffles, using Nasima’s scarf to wipe at his face. Not that it matters. It’s still raining, they’re soaked to the bone, and he’s pretty sure his head is bleeding under him. But none of it matters because he needs Yusuf to understand.

“I couldn’t ask you. I just…it wasn’t an option for me so I never did. Asking you to come with me…it was not a possibility I believed in,” Nicky starts, wincing a little when Yusuf shakes his head, scoffing disbelievingly, but he powers through. He has to. He owes Yusuf that much.

“Those…four months, Yusuf. You have to believe me, I was…I was working hard to stay. I took classes, I took more hours on the board. I wanted the job so badly, but I could never ask you to come with me, so I wanted to make it work. And the university needed it to be worth their while so I spent all my time making sure it was. It meant me…being away from you, but it was worth it because I’d get to have the job…and stay with you,” Nicky whispers, looking down now as he shivers, gulping.

“By the time I got confirmation that the only thing I had to do was teach the classes at the campus on this end of the city, and commit to the hours in London while working from home, I was too late,” he whispers, looking up at Yusuf now, who’s staring at him in horror, eyes wide.

“You’re lying,” Yusuf gasps out, and Nicky shrugs, as best he could, laying on his back on the pavement.

“I had just finalized it, when you broke up with me,” Nicky mutters, looking away again because he can’t stare at Yusuf looking at him like that. Like he had betrayed him. “I just needed to confirm with them then.”

“No,” he hears Yusuf say, and Nicky closes his eyes.

“I wasn’t motivated by London. I wasn’t. I was motivated by you. I wanted to stay with you because I didn’t have the right to ask you to come with me,” he gasps out, and for the first time he tries to curl up on the pavement, whimpering when it jars his head, gasping in pain as he continues to cry.

“No, no, no, you’re _lying to me_ , Nicolo!” Yusuf yells then, and Nicky curls up tighter, clutching Nasima’s scarf.

“I was too late,” he moans out. “I was too late, and you already decided it was for the best. That’ll be easier for me—” he gasps, remember the words so clearly, laughing bitterly. “Remember? So I not be tethered to someone in another continent—how could…you already decided that you’re just _someone_. You already made up your mind. It was so easy for you to just decide, like you—”

Suddenly there’s a hand on his arm, and Nicky yelps, suddenly on his back again, eyes opening to find Yusuf leaning over him fully now, both of his hands on either side of his head, by his shoulders.

“Shut up!” Yusuf screams, and he’s shaking with sobs, his breath hitching. He looks _broken_ and it’s Nicky’s fault. “You don’t get to put this on me! You left me, you pushed me away for four months after telling me you had to go to London! You never _once_ asked me if I wanted to go, that you wanted me to be with you? It was _you_ and London. Not us! How am I to know?! How am I to know that you were doing all of that? It wasn’t easy for me to do, I just couldn’t take it anymore, being with you but not having you, so don’t you dare say that to me!”

Nicky whimpers, because he can’t take it anymore. Before he can stop himself, and he’s reaching for Yusuf then, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him, just as the man sobs and collapses over him, wrapping his arms around Nicky, and his arm grazes at the back of his head, and Nicky sees stars but it doesn’t matter because _Yusuf is holding him back._

“I’m sorry,” Nicky gasps into Yusuf’s neck, curling his hand into his curls, shaking all over. “I couldn’t breathe, Yusuf. When you said you couldn’t do it anymore, it’s like my words were gone. I couldn’t breathe. And when you said it was for the best…I was so hurt. I had thought it was so easy for you to untether yourself from me,” he gasps, squeezing his eyes shut when Yusuf cries out, but doesn’t say anything.

“Because how fucking dare you,” Nicky continues, tightening his arms as Yusuf continues to sob in his, face in his shoulder, and he feels him moving completely, straddling him now, his whole body over his, just holding him. The soreness of his head is pressed against Joe’s forearm, and it comforts as much as it pains. “How fucking dare you to think of yourself as just someone that you can just untether from me? You were… you are my heart, Yusuf. And when you said that, I thought that meant that I was nothing, that you were just done, that it was that easy.”

“Fuck you,” Yusuf sobs out, and Nicky laughs weakly, shocked by also not really. Not at all, actually. “Why didn’t you say anything, Nicolo. You just walked away. You just agreed, Nicolo,” he whimpers, pulling away now, and then his hands are on Nicky’s face, his hands urgent, but still so, so gentle.

Nicky looks up at him then, meets his gaze, then lets his eyes trail over Yusuf’s face. Taking in his features, everything he missed the most, everything he had foolishly screwed up and let go. “I couldn’t breathe,” he whispers again. It’s the absolute truth. “I just couldn’t, Yusuf. I’m so sorry,” he gasps, and Yusuf whimpers.

“You’ve been here, this whole time?” he moans out, and Nicky nods shakily, his face crumpling when Yusuf’s entire body shakes from the force of new, unbidden sobs, like Nicky just hurt him anew in his very core, his hands letting go of Nicky’s face, and he whimpers, reaching for his hand, squeezing it.

“I’m sorry,” he sobs out and Yusuf shakes his head, sitting back on his thighs, on Nicky’s legs, looking down at him, eyes wide.

“You made me believe you were gone. My whole family. Our friends. They all—Fuck, Nicolo, how could you?” he whimpers, and Nicky deserves it. He deserves it all.

“Yusuf—” he starts, grabbing at his hand again and pulling. But this time Yusuf yanks it back out of pure instinct, disgust, whatever it is, and he doesn’t expect it. Nicky falls back when he loses the grip and when his head hits the pavement the second time, he sees stars straight away.

But no. No. No. Not important. “Yusuf, please,” Nicky gasps, opening his eyes blearily and pushing himself up for the first time this whole thing started, swallowing down the nausea, blinking away that fact that there are _two Yusufs_ in front of him, the sound of rain suddenly so fucking loud in his ears.

Is he bleeding? Probably? Not important.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeats, grabbing at Yusuf now, wrapping his arms around him, and Yusuf struggles, for a moment, before he just presses his forehead against Nicky’s shoulder, his whole body shaking as he continues to cry. Like he can’t stop, his hand curled on his own chest, clutching at the wet fabric, because Nicky hurt him. He hurt him so much.

“How could you?” Yusuf moans out, and Nicky tightens his arms around him, closing his eyes. It helps the nausea, somehow.

“I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to say. You said it was for the best, and I…I went with it. I was only an addition, and you untethered me, you were done with me, it didn’t matter if I was in London on not. You were done with me at that moment,” he says, because Nicky wants him to understand, and at this point he has nothing to lose.

Yusuf owns him. His heart, his soul. His everything. Whether the man knows or wants it to be fact.

“You let me go,” he whimpers out. “I was too late. I didn’t matter what I did to stay, you already let me go,” he whimpers, gasping.

When Yusuf moves to pull away, Nicky falls forward to him, because the movement is just making him so nauseous, and he really doesn’t want to let him go. He swallows it down, and forces his eyes to open, looking at him.

Yusuf’s eyes are red-rimmed and so, so sad. His hands are back on him, framing his face, fingers gentle the skin on the apples of his cheeks. Again, a familiar feeling he had missed and craved and wanted. He’s shaking his head, curls dripping wet in the unrelenting rain.

“You were wrong. I did not want to be done with you, Nicolo. You’re not an addition. I didn’t untether you. I thought you didn’t want me after…after everything and I…fuck,” Yusuf whimpers. “I lost you way before I did what I did. It felt like you were gone from me, that London had been the only thing that mattered.”

Nicky sighs, nuzzling Yusuf’s hand, gulping.

“I’m so mad at you,” Yusuf whispers, kissing his forehead as he says the words and Nicky cherishes it.

“I know.”

“It was awful, what you did,” his heart continues, and yeah. It was.

“I screwed up,” he replies. “Nile said I skipped a whole step, not asking you to go to London,” he adds, blinking rapidly as he leans back, eyes flicking over the two Yusufs that are still in front of him.

What a blessing that is, two Yusufs.

He hears Yusuf laugh, and it’s thick with tears, but it’s a laugh that Nicky will always recognize. “I knew I liked her for a reason,” he hears him say, and Nicky frowns.  
  


“She’s being a bad roommate,” he mutters, remembering how Nile ruined his plans to just laze on the couch after his shitty week. “But…she also made me realize these things. She said I skipped a flight, because I didn’t tell you that I was…trying to make it work so I can have London _and stay_ ,” he adds, and watches as the Yusufs nod, taking a hold on his shoulder now.

“Nile’s right,” Yusuf whispers, squeezing his shoulder, and Nicky leans against him, sighing softly when he feels the man’s arms around him.

Nicky hums, pressing his forehead against Joe’s shoulder, wanting to get rid of the pain in his head. “She also said I jumped off a building when I didn’t tell you I didn’t go to London after you broke up with me. For letting you think I left,” he mutters, and Yusuf laughs again.

“Her metaphors are amazingly appropriate.”

“She’s a mean roommate.”

“I think you actually think she’s quite amazing and you love her,” Yusuf whispers, and Nicky sighs, shaking his head, pulling back to look at Yusuf, taking in his features despite the stars and the doubles.

“I love you,” he says, because Nicky really has nothing to lose. He knows he’ll be broken if Yusuf walks away after this, but to have this moment with him, to finally have the words after wallowing unable to breathe for so long, and to be able to say it to him. It’s a blessing. “I know you’re upset, and this means nothing, but I love you,” he continues, looking down now. “You’re my heart, Yusuf, and you’ve been my heart—”

Suddenly he’s surging forward, and Yusuf has a tight grip on Nasima’s scarf, and Yusuf’s lips are on his and he gasps, falling into it, craving it, breathing it.

Because Yusuf is kissing him.

It’s a feeling he had missed, thought he had lost, but truly, he never, ever forgot.

When Yusuf pulls away, Nicky’s eyes open to meet his, and finds him staring at him. There’s water dripping down his face, tracing his beautiful features, the features that Nicky loves and adores and misses so, so much.

“I am upset,” Yusuf whispers, and he moves in, and he’s a breath away, kissing him so gently again before pulling away again. “I am angry, and I have every right to be hurt,” he continues and Nicky nods against his lips. “This does not mean nothing. You are not an addition, and we are going to have to sit down and talk about that for a good long while, and I love you too,” he says, and Nicky’s heart stutters for a moment.

“What?” he gasps, because surely he heard wrong. “What did you say?” he whimpers, and Yusuf smiles, reaching over to stroke his hair, fingers gentle against his forehead.

“I love you, too. I love you, beloved. I never stopped,” Yusuf says, and he’s leaning in again and kissing Nicky again and he missed it so much, leaning into it, letting Yusuf have him. He tastes of rain water, of salt, of pain, and fear and anger. But it’s Yusuf against his lips and there is nothing better.

“Next time, we talk,” Yusuf whispers against his lips in between breaths and Nicky just whimpers, nodding weakly. “We use words. If you can’t breathe, you tell me and I’ll wait and wait until you can have the words.”

“And I’ll tell you everything,” he gasps, falling forward, chasing his heart’s lips. Because Yusuf’s his heart, and Nicky’s his beloved. “All of it, no matter how hard.”

And for a moment, despite the rain, the dizziness, the nausea, and the pain on his head, everything is perfect. Because Yusuf is back, in his arms, holding him, kissing him. Loving him. Calling him beloved.

There’s nothing better.

But then he feels Yusuf’s hand on the back of his head, onto his hair, and as soon as his hand glides over it, the pain _rips_ through his head, and Nicky feels all the blood rush from his body, and the nausea climb up from his stomach.

“Uh Nicolo,” he hears, and Nicky whimpers, looking at Yusuf, whose face is pale, eyes wide, holding up his hand that’s now shaking, palm covered in blood, already mixing with the rain.

Oh, so _he_ was bleeding.

“What was that? About telling me everything?” Yusuf asks, and Nicky responds by leaning over to the side and vomiting all over the pavement.


	3. Chapter 3

“You fucking idiot.”

“Nile stop being mean,” Nicky mutters, laying on his side on his bed, wincing when Yusuf moves the icepack on his head.

“She’s right, you are an idiot,” he hears Yusuf say, and Nicky has to _stop_ himself from smiling, because it’s really not funny. They’re insulting him. But it’s _Yusuf._

“Heart, please,” he says, looking up at Yusuf now. The man’s sitting beside him on the bed, arm reaching behind him to hold the icepack against the back of Nicky’s head. Yusuf just smiles and leans in, kissing his forehead, curls still wet, now in one of Nicky’s shirt and sleep pants.

After he had thrown up, Yusuf effectively peeled him from the pavement and dragged him back upstairs, the two of them slipping their way through the lobby, in the elevator, down the hallway.

Nile met them with wide eyes when she opened the door, taking in their soaking wet dispositions. But before she can say anything else, Nicky heaved forward and vomited at her feet, making her yelp.

Nicky doesn’t remember much after that.

But he does remember Yusuf pouring his pathetic self into the bathtub and getting into it with him, and turning on the hot water. Only then did Nicky realized how cold he had become, as soon as they got out of the rain. But he’s not surprised. He was with Yusuf. He always felt warm, whenever he was with Yusuf.

He tried to take in as much as he could, because he did miss Yusuf so much after all. However, every time he opened his eyes, Nicky wanted to throw up, and he had said so, making Nile worry, grabbing her phone, and barely promised him not to call emergency services.

“Keep your eyes closed, beloved,” Yusuf had whispered then, under the steam, having stripped away Nicky’s clothes, and then his as he tries to warm them up, his hands gentle at the back of his head. Nicky whimpered, shaking his head.

“What if this is a dream,” he had said, and Nicky will always remember it, and he will forever be embarrassed by it. “What if after this, you walk away. I want to take in what I can.”

Again, mortifying, but he’s glad that he said it. Because Yusuf just sighed and pressed a kiss onto his forehead.

“I was right here.”

That silenced him with a quick ache in his heart. Yusuf always knew what to say after all, and it went both ways. He doesn’t need to say lot, to ensure a point or hurt. So he stayed quiet, for a good long while, and he closed his eyes as directed, and let Yusuf move him as he needed. Caring for him. Loving him. Even after Nicky had hurt him so, Yusuf still loves him enough to care for him, to ease his wounds.

Yusuf dressed him afterwards, then went into Nicky’s closet like it was his, and wore Nicky’s clothes like he had before. If he had smiled throughout like a loon, despite the impending hard conversations, watching him, he’d blame it all on the possible concussion.

“I can’t believe you fell on your head and didn’t bother getting up,” Nile says, and Nicky blinks then, sighing, eyes still on Yusuf.

“How come you didn’t say anything, Nicolo?” Yusuf whispers then, and Nicky bites his lip.

“You just assumed. And I went with it,” he mutters, and he feels Yusuf’s touch stiffen for a moment. He glances at Nile, whose eyes widen for a moment, before she sighs softly, sitting on the bed now.

“Look at me, both of you,” Nile starts, and Yusuf looks away from Nicky, just as he turns to Nile. Her face is soft, and if not a little exasperated, eyebrows furrowed.

“This…is a microcosm of your whole thing. You need to talk about this. You have a long way to go,” she says, before reaching for Nicky’s hand and squeezing it. “Dizzy says you’re good to not go to the hospital, and you can sleep. But if you throw up again, you have to go to emerge, got it?”

Nicky frowns. “I don’t want to go to emerge,” he starts, and Nile rolls her eyes, looking at Yusuf.

“Joe? Got it?” she asks, and she sounds worried. “She says it’s important,” she adds, and Yusuf nods firmly.

“I have him, Nile. Thank you,” he says, and Nile smiles then.

“I know I liked you for a reason, Joe,” she says, and Yusuf laughs softly, nodding then, and Nicky shakes his head with a wince.

“This…This friendship? Nope, I hate it,” he whines, and Yusuf just snorts, as Nile stands from the bed, but not before leaning down and planting a kiss on Nicky’s forehead, making him smile.

“Be good. Be reasonable. Right these wrongs. Work on it. I’ll be back tomorrow night,” she says, walking out of the bedroom. “Gonna be at Jordan’s!”

“Thank you, Nile,” Yusuf calls as Nicky stares after her, sighing. They’re quiet, listening to her walk about the apartment for a few more moments before the front door opens and closes. They even listen to her lock the door from the other side.

Yusuf shifts in the bed then, gently pulling the ice pack. “How does it feel?” he asks, and Nicky looks at him then, staring.

“It’s fine,” he croaks out, gulping. “A—Are you going to stay?” he asks, voice soft, because if Yusuf didn’t want to stay, he’d totally understand it. The man freezes then, putting the ice pack on the bedside table and sighing.

“Why wouldn’t I stay?” he asks, but his voice is soft, unsure.

“I hurt you,” Nicky whispers, and Yusuf is quiet, and he glances up in time to see him just shrug.

“We hurt each other. Because we didn’t talk,” he hears him say, eventually. “I think we’re both in the wrong.”

Nicky frowns and tries to sit up then, Yusuf shaking his head and grabbing at him, coaxing him to stay laying down.

“Beloved, stay still,” he whispers, and Nicky shakes his head. “I want to see you. I want to look at you,” he whines out, and he doesn’t’ feel any sort of shame. He hasn’t seen Yusuf in months. And if this is to be the last night, then he needs to cherish it. Take as much as he can.

But Yusuf keeps pushing at his shoulder, then his hand slides against his jaw, cradling his face. “Look at me, beloved,” he whispers, and Nicky gulps, looking up at Yusuf. He feels himself flush, hearing him call him beloved again. Like it’s his name, and nothing else, like he had before.

He watches as Yusuf smiles and leans in, kissing his forehead. “Stay laying down for me, please? I’ll just get some more ice, and come back, I promise,” he says, and Nicky has no reason not to believe him, but the idea of him leaving terrifies him for a quick second and he shakes his head.

“We still have to talk,” he whispers, and he knows he sounds like he’s pleading. And Nicky is. He feels Yusuf’s touch shift, and he’s stroking his cheek now.

“Hey, hey. It’s alright, I’m staying, I just need to do this. Okay? I know you have no reason to believe me, but I need you to still. We can’t risk you falling again,” Yusuf whispers, leaning in and kissing him softly now, and Nicky sighs, nodding weakly.

“Be quick?” he moans out, and Yusuf chuckles, moving away from the bed and backing out of the room.

“Quick. So quick,” Yusuf calls, before turning around and he can hear him going to the kitchen. He hears the faucet turn on, the fridge open. Nicky follows each sound as much as he can. When he hears the front door open, though, he freezes, eyes widening.

Did Yusuf lie to him? No. No he wouldn’t.

Nicky closes his eyes and hears shuffling, hears movement, then the front door clicking close. Oh. Alright then. His heart feels like it’s going to jump out of his chest, while also dropping into his stomach and he curls up tight in an effort to catch it. He can feel tears already, and they fall no matter how tight he squeezes his eyes shut.

A sob escapes his lips.

Then the front door clicks open.

“Just cleaning up!” Yusuf calls, and Nicky whimpers into his sleeve, trying to muffle his cries. He’s so pathetic. “I wanted to make sure that the sick was gone at the door, but Nile already cleaned it! I was just making sure,” he hears him continue, and Nicky tries to calm himself down.

He hears the sink again, and then soon, Yusuf’s rushing back into the room, and when Nicky looks up to find him there, actually there, he bursts into a new bout of tears because he is _pathetic_.

“Oh Nicolo…”

Nicky bows his head and curls his arms over his face, hiding it, as he feels Yusuf getting into the bed, feels his arm over him, over his shoulders, reaching back.

“Gonna be cold, beloved,” he hears, before he feels the ice pressing at the back of his head again and he sniffles. The bed shifts, a couple of more times, but the cold pack stays. He feels Yusuf shifting things behind him, feels a pillow against his back before he settles again.

He feels familiar, missed hands circling over his wrists, ever so gentle. “Come on, Nicolo. Let me see your face,” Yusuf whispers, softly, and he’s so close that Nicky can feel his breath against his skin, and he lets himself be maneuvered, bringing his arms down.

“Hi habibi,” Yusuf whispers, and Nicky just loses it then, curling into himself and sobbing, wanting to hide his face. Yusuf rarely called him habibi, and only ever did in their most intimate of moments, at their most, most vulnerable. He would regularly hear Mama and Baba say it to him before they broke up. So to hear it now, it just unravels so much inside of him.

Nicky feels Yusuf pull at his wrists again, pulling him close, and he presses his face into his chest, shaking all over. “I’m sorry,” he gasps out, because he needs Yusuf to know that he is. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeats.

Yusuf takes a deep breath, and doesn’t say anything for a while.

“How could you think you’re just an addition in my life, Nicolo?” Yusuf whispers, eventually, and his lips are on Nicky’s forehead, hand gently moving the ice on the back of his head. His hand is over his arm, stroking softly. “I’m so mad at you. That wasn’t fair of you to assume,” he continues, and Nicky bites his lip.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he whispers. Of course, Yusuf is still upset with him, just like he is still upset with Yusuf. They both have things they are allowed to be upset about. “You assumed, too,” he says, after a moment and Yusuf sniffles.

“And it wasn’t fair of me either,” he replies, because that’s who Yusuf is. Yusuf is kind, and understanding, even under all the pain. “I was really hurt. I thought I lost you. I thought London meant leaving me behind and I didn’t want to be left behind. Because you never asked me. And I didn’t want to wait until you flat out told me, when everything that you were doing already felt like that’s all you had left to say.”

Nicky hates that he can hear the tears in Yusuf’s voice, feel them even against his forehead. When he looks up, he finds his heart crying, and he reaches up, wiping at his tears. His own heart warms in the fact that even in his hurt and anger towards him, Yusuf still continues to seek his comfort, nuzzling his palm.

“I’m so sorry,” Nicky whispers, leaning up and sighing, pressing his forehead against Yusuf’s, who sniffles, leaning into him, his nose rubbing against his.

“I can’t believe you let me believe you were gone,” Yusuf gasps out, and his voice is shaking, as Nicky curls his hand over the back of his neck, squeezing.

“It was awful of me,” he replies, because it was. It was awful of him.

“Mama and Baba. And Nasima…she—. They were confused of why I broke up with you, of why you just let me. I told them it’s because you didn’t love me anymore,” Yusuf whimpers, and Nicky shakes his head then, dislodging the ice from the back of his head, but he doesn’t care.

“Nicolo—”

“It’s not true! I love you, I love you, please I love you,” Nicky gasps out because he can’t have Yusuf thinking that. “It was me, I thought I wasn’t worthy, I thought I couldn’t ask you. I thought I had no right and I still think that but it’s not because—” he trails off with a whimper when he feels the ice back on his head, groaning.

He feels Yusuf’s lips against his forehead, hushing him. “You’re alright, I know my love. I know beloved, I know,” he whispers, then there’s a gentle hand under his chin, coaxing him to look up.

Nicky meets Yusuf’s eyes and finds him smiling weakly. “But I’m allowed to be upset,” he says, and Nicky nods immediately.

“You’re still upset, too,” Yusuf continues, and again, he nods. Because it’s true.

“Can we talk about it though? From now on?” Nicky asks, hopeful, and smiles when Yusuf nods, immediately.

“Yes. About everything. We’ll get back to where we were…”

Yusuf leans in then, and kisses him softly, and Nicky watches him without shame, missing him so, meeting his lips. “I love you too,” he says, against Nicky’s lips. “I’m hurt and I’m upset and I love you too.”

And Nicky understands it. He gets this, most of all. Thinking you did the right thing, hurting, and loving someone anyway through it all.

But not just someone. Not just anyone. His Yusuf. His heart.

“I am so sorry, my heart,” he whispers, again. “For all the wasted time.”

He feels Yusuf’s lips against his again, and he falls into it, sighing. “Please,” he begs. “Let me make it right.”

“Only if I can do the same,” he hears, feels against his lips. “I want the same as you, beloved, if you’d have me.”

“Always,” he whispers, he says, without hesitation. If Yusuf will allow him always, then Nicky will take it. Run away with it.

“Then rest,” Yusuf mutters, kissing him so softly again and he nods, eyes sliding close.

“Stay, please.” He’s begging and he doesn’t care. Yusuf stiffens for a moment, and it’s a reminder. A reminder of how far they have to go, still.

“I never left.”

And it’s true. Yusuf never did. It was all Nicky and understands it, all of it, and holds it close, no matter how painful.

***

When Nicky wakes up the next morning it’s to Yusuf stroking his forehead. The man’s laying on his side, his hand gentle, playing with Nicky’s hair, like he had before everything fell apart.

“Good morning,” he whispers, and his heart gives him a weak smile, and when Yusuf blinks, there’s tears, and Nicky’s breath hitches, gulping. He reaches over then, and runs his thumb over his love’s cheekbone, catching the tears as they start to fall. His own heart clenches at the sight.

“It’s alright, that you’re still mad at me,” Nicky whispers, because he just knows, as he feels Yusuf’s tears against his skin. That this is it. For his Yusuf is kind, and he is amazing and he is generous. And for all of that and more, he feels _so much_. So the tears and the anger are no surprise to Nicky, because he knows it stems from how much his heart loves him. “I hurt you, it’s alright,” he continues.

  
Yusuf’s face crumples then, and he’s moving his hand and taking Nicky’s in his, kissing his knuckles, nuzzling his palm. “You made me believe you left. I hate how you didn’t say a word. I hate that you could’ve been with me, if we had not assumed the worst of each other,” he whispers, and yeah, Nicky hates it to. And it bares saying, no matter how many times they have to repeat themselves to each other.

He gulps, and takes a deep breath, shifting his head on the pillow. It stings, when he does, but he doesn’t feel anything at the back of his head anymore.

“I really thought I had no choice,” Nicky mutters, because he might as well try and explain himself, when Yusuf’s still here. Who knows, how this day may end? “I was the addition, I didn’t have the right to ask you to come with me.”

“Nicolo, can you please stop saying that?” Yusuf begs, squeezing his hand, and Nicky bites his lip, glancing away with a shrug.

“Would you have gone to London, if I had asked?” he whispers, even though he’s not sure if he wants to know the answer. Yusuf sighs, but he doesn’t look at him, feeling tears in his own eyes.

Instead he feels his heart’s hand, back on his hair, stroking it gently. “Did you want me to come with you?”

“Of course,” he says, without hesitation. Back then, a world without Yusuf made no sense, and when he was forced to leave it, he knew it for a fact.

“Then why didn’t you ask? Did it not cross your mind? And please don’t say you’re the addition again, please,” Yusuf whispers, and his finger is tapping gently on Nicky’s chin, and he looks up, sniffling.

“Did I not love you enough?” his heart continues and Nicky whimpers, lips parting as he tries to come up with words. Words that are escaping him as he stares at Yusuf crying. “Did we not love you enough? Whatever I did to make you feel like I didn’t love you that you couldn’t even ask me, that you thought that you had no right to ask, Nicolo, please. Know that I’m sorry, but our friends, my family, they had…”

Nicky knows. He _knows_ that he’s broken their hearts. And will break them. “They’ll hate me for this,” he whispers, gasping. His face crumples at the idea of Yusuf’s parents hating him, of Nasima. “Oh fuck, I…”

“I don’t think they can hate you even if they want to, but they will need time,” Yusuf whispers. “But please, what is it? Am I right? Did you not believe that I love you?”

And he sounds so broken as he asks, clearly blaming himself for this, no matter how angry he is. Nicky hates it so much.

“Of course I believe that you love me…the fact that you still love me now,” Nicky whispers, sighing when he feels Yusuf’s hand caress his face, thumb on his bottom lip, and he kisses it softly.

“Then why did you never ask?”

Why? Why indeed. The go to answer is that he’s the addition. He didn’t have anyone by Yusuf and his family. Without Nicky, Yusuf would still have his family, his friends. He came to live here and fell for the man even before they got together, and pined for him, watched him grow with their friends, and his family. His family that loves him so much. Mama, Baba, Nasima. The idea of Yusuf ever leaving such a wonderful, loving circle was unfathomable to him, especially when he couldn’t even _take_ the idea of leaving them. And he wasn’t even their son, their friend, their family.

“I didn’t think I was worth it,” Nicky whispers, and it hurts to hear, even if he’s the one saying it, about himself. Because there’s so much truth in it, and it takes being vulnerable to the next level. And a small part of him hates how he got here, how Nile forced this on him, forced him to realize that he had been in the wrong.

And made him see just how far his self-deprecation has gotten him.

Yusuf’s breath hitches, and more tears come to _his_ eyes, like Nicky had hurt him. And maybe he did, with his words. His heart loves him so much, after all. “What? Of course you—” he starts, but Nicky shakes his head then, looking at him now, meeting his gaze with a wry, unsure smile.

Nicky shrugs then, sighing. “It’s not you. It’s…me. I didn’t think I was worth it of…any of it. I wasn’t worth…the heartache that I’d cause your family if I was brave enough to ask you to go with me. Why would I do that? Take their son and their brother and their friend away? How selfish would I be if I were to do that? I’m not…worth all of that.”

  
Nicky feels tears streaming down his cheeks now, and sniffles, leaning into Yusuf’s touch as he wipes them away, his fingers gliding over his, fingertips lovingly calloused, a reminder of the love his heart gives on everything he does.

It comforts and it hurts and it terrifies. Not because Yusuf would ever hurt him, but because despite of all he’s done, he continues to love Nicky so gently and he doesn’t deserve it.

“I tried so hard so I didn’t have to take you away, so I’d get to stay and I’d never have to find out if you’d even say yes, and I went about it the wrong way,” he whispers, and the tears don’t stop. “I was so desperate, and I still broke your hearts. And I still lost everyone and I still hurt and I deserve it.”

“Nicolo—”

“Yusuf, I’m so sorry. My heart, _please_ ,” Nicky begs. “You loved me, you love me so much, and that’s why I was so desperate to stay,” he says, letting out a shaky breath as he takes in Yusuf’s expression, and how he’s staring at him, crying, but patiently waiting for him to continue as he continues to hold Nicky, wipe at his tears, caress him.

Love him. Always love him, even when Nicky thought he was not worth any of it.

“It’s me that I have to work on,” he mutters, eventually, making Yusuf’s eyes widen. “All you ever did was love me, and because I…as stupid and as cliché it sounds, because I couldn’t see myself worthy of it, I hurt you in turn.”

Yusuf’s eyes soften then, but the tears keep coming, streaming down his cheeks. He looks so heartbroken by his revelation, and Nicky shifts closer to him then, wraps an arm around him, gently runs his hand through his curls.

“Nicolo,” he starts, and Nicky shakes his head, leaning in for a kiss, sighing softly when Yusuf meets him in the middle. And he kisses him softly, sweetly, with all the love that he can convey.

“None of this was your fault,” Nicky says as he pulls away to take in air, only to go back for more, and his chest jumps in glee when Yusuf meets him at each turn, never stopping unless he does.

“But I broke up with you, even when I never stopped loving you, I still did,” he hears him say, and he sounds remorseful, and tired. Nicky just meets him with another kiss, gently tugging on the curls between his fingers, sighing when hears a familiar hitch of breath, a soft sighing whine. He meets Yusuf’s eyes then and holds it, moving a little so his other hand can wipe at his cheeks, smiling weakly.

“And I hurt you,” Nicky says, gently tapping Yusuf’s cheek, and smiles wider when the man laughs tearily, clearly shocked by his actions, in the best of ways. “I would break up with me too, hurting my heart the way I did you.”

Yusuf laughs again, and it’s the best sound he’s heard in almost a year. “No more breaking up, please,” he says, and he’s leaning in, kissing Nicky again, beard rubbing against his skin in that best way that he missed so much. He puts his hand on it, rubbing gently.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispers, and Yusuf hums.

“You missed my beard,” he says, and Nicky smiles then, tugging on Yusuf’s curls with his other hand, making the man whimper, but in that _best_ way.

“It’s the curls, really,” he whispers, and Yusuf sighs, pulling away again, to stare at him, and Nicky smiles at him softly, because this feels right. It feels familiar.

“We’ll work on this, together,” Yusuf says, and Nicky nods. Because he’s not a fool. This is restart for them, and there’s a lot of work to be done, no matter how right it feels now.

“We will. I’m sorry I was so dumb,” he mutters, and Yusuf snorts, laughing weakly and kissing his forehead. Then he’s moving closer and just engulfing him completely in his arms, and Nicky adores it.

“We’ll work on that too, my dumbass beloved,” he says, and Nicky squawks, eyes widening.

“Wait, that’s mean—” he starts, but he’s laughing against Joe’s chest, feeling him being so careful as he holds his head to him, hands expertly avoiding the parts that were sore.

“Shhh, I said beloved, didn’t I?”

“But still dumbass!” Nicky whines out, and Yusuf just laughs, kissing his hair, squeezing him, breathing in deeply.

“And still _mine_.”

***

True to form and all expectations, it takes time.

There are moments of heartbreak of course. But eventually, they both start to get better, and learn, all the while holding each other. And like his heart, like with his Yusuf, it ends with eventual joy. It just took work, as they kept their promise to each other, figuring it out together, loving each other through it all.

And just like the ache on his head, the pain, slowly fades for the both of them.

They do it in stages.

Andy and Quynh forgive him, almost too easily. But when he visits the gallery for the first time since their breakup, his fingers intertwined with Yusuf’s, and finds the two women already waiting with Nile, Nicky knew then that he has his beloved housemate to thank as well.

“You’re not so mean after all,” Nicky says to her, and she just rolls her eyes, and he smiles at her. Even though Quynh’s greeting involved her throwing herself into his arms, with Andy right behind her and smacking him across the shoulder. Their eyes are shining with mirth as they hug him, and it makes him so nervous.

“Guys! Look! It’s Dummy! Dummy Nicky’s back!” Quynh yells as a form of a hello, squeezing him, and Nicky wants the ground to swallow him whole, turning red when Andy laughs, kissing his forehead. Nile just collapses into a fit of giggles against Yusuf, whose entire body is shaking with laughter, throwing his head back, unabashed and beautiful, keeping both himself and Nile up.

But they eventually make it all better by giving him more kisses and tell him that they love him, and that he is really, really, _really_ dumb for ever thinking what he did, and the words sink into Nicky in ways that he didn’t even know he needed.

They try Mama and Baba afterwards. And it proves to be difficult at first.

“Baba says he’s going to talk to Mama,” Yusuf whispers to him after they attempted to call the first night, and Mama refused to speak Nicky, just like how he ignored her call almost a year ago. And he doesn’t blame her, will never blame her, but it still brings him to tears.

He waits, with Yusuf, and eventually, they invite them to lunch. When he asks if Nasima’s going to be there, no one can tell him for sure.

Nicky’s a nervous wreck, the day of, standing at their front door. He has Nasima’s scarf folded under his arm, freshly laundered. It’s so warm outside, and he has no reason to wear it, but he wants to huddle under it all the same. It brought him so much comfort in the past year, so he just wants to use it, to hide from the world.

But then the door opens and Mama is wrapping her arms around him, and he’s melting against her, pressing his face atop of her hair, the tiny, formidable woman she is. 

“It’s so good to see you, habibi,” she whispers, squeezing him and pulling away, smiling wide at him. Then Baba appears from behind her, pulling him inside, to hug him too, and it feels just as amazing, looking up at the tall man.

“There you are, you foolish child,” Baba says, and Nicky laughs, walking in the door, as Yusuf sighs loudly, muttering to himself, dutifully closing the door after all of them when they leave him at the steps.

“How are you my son? I’m good Mama. I’m good Baba. Yes, I have Nicolo. And oh, oh no. No thank you, I your son, remember? Yusuf? I do not need your hugs, nope,” Yusuf says to himself, changing his tones, making Nicky look back to him. His heart is smiling as he goes on his tirade, laughing heartily when Mama smacks him on the arm, before wrapping her arms around him.

“I’m happy for you, habibi,” she says to her son, and Nicky turns away then, closing his eyes when Baba directs him to the living room, kissing his forehead, Yusuf’s words loud and clear for all of them to hear.

“I’m happy too, Mama.”

Nicky explains himself, in some words because Yusuf already talked to them, and they call him foolish again, in the best of ways. They tell him they love him, and that he is to remember until he understands. And Nicky promises to do so, and feels lighter and lighter at each passing hour, Yusuf beside him the whole time, holding him close, stroking his knuckles.

He apologizes for hurting them. For hurting Yusuf, and they accept it in a way that Nicky just believes them. And he feels like every bit of the fool that they call him, because how dare he think that he is not blessed with their love?

When the day ends and Nasima doesn’t show up, Nicky gives the scarf to Mama only to have her decline it, shaking her head. Yusuf’s with Baba, already out front, talking to each other.

“You have to give it to her,” she whispers, voice soft. “Give her time, Nicolo. She was really upset,” Mama says, and Nicky nods.

“For leaving all of this behind,” Nicky says, and Mama bites her lip then, glancing at the door, and they can hear Yusuf and Baba laughing, their tones and cadence similar, and Nicky finds himself smiling at the sound. Mama does too, but it’s sad as she sighs, patting the scarf.

“For hurting her brother,” she whispers, and Nicky’s breath hitches, as Mama hugs him again, and gives him so much more to think about.

When he’s quiet on their way home, back to his old place with Yusuf, his heart doesn’t question it, and allows Nicky to hold him tighter, and closer, and when he whispers sorry, again and again, he doesn’t question in, and just tells Nicky that he forgives him.

They’re settled in for the night when they hear a knock on the door. Yusuf frowns, looking at Nicky, while he’s already out of bed, making his way to the door.

“Stay, heart,” he says, and Yusuf smiles at him, nodding.

Nicky goes to the door and opens it, eyes widening when he finds Nasima on the other side, her eyes wide, staring right into his. They’re the same height, and she’s a perfect mixture of her Mama and Baba, while Yusuf looks like Baba in his younger years.

“Nasima,” he whispers, and the woman narrows her eyes.

“You’re such a moron, you know that,” she hisses, voice still soft, ever respectful of her surroundings, as she stands in the hallway. Nicky smiles weakly and steps aside to let her in.

“So I’ve been told. Please, to the living room. Your brother’s already in bed,” he says, closing the door behind him. Then he goes straight to the bedroom, trusting Nasima to make herself at home in their, in her brother’s apartment. When he gets to the room, he finds Yusuf looking at him, as he closes the door for a moment.

“Beloved?” he whispers, as Nicky walks over and kisses him gently. Yusuf sighs against him, before pulling away.

“Nasima’s here,” Nicky says simply, and Yusuf nods, blinking his eyes.

“I told her I’m alright. I’ve been telling her, since…” he starts, and Nicky takes his face in his hands, kissing him again and until he stops talking. When he pulls away, Yusuf’s face is flushed, and Nicky tilts his head, nuzzling his nose with his.

“I know, my heart. Your forgiveness and hers are different. She loves her brother, after all. We’ll figure it out,” he promises, and he hopes he keeps it. He kisses Yusuf again, and smiles when he slides into the covers, and he even allows Nicky to lean in and tuck him in.

“I love you,” he whispers, and smiles when Yusuf whispers, ‘I love you too’ against his lips.

When he finally gets back to the living room, Nasima has tea waiting for them. She looks up and takes his cup, extending it towards him, handle out. He takes it with a soft nod, and smiles when she holds up hers.

“Cheers,” he whispers, clinking their mugs together and she smiles, taking a sip. He does the same, sitting beside her, but not touching. Then she moves until they’re close enough to touch, and it feels something akin to forgiveness he doesn’t deserve.

“My brother tells me not to be mad at you,” Nasima says, and her voice is shaking as she looks into his eyes. Nicky gulps, nodding, staring back. She looks like her entire family combined, with imploring eyes that just stares right into your soul, just like her brother’s.

“It’s alright if you are,” he says, after a moment and Nasima sniffles, looking down.

“I don’t want to be. I never wanted to be. But I knew even after he said he broke it off, that there was something more. He was broken by what you did, and I _hated_ you for it because you hurt my brother,” she admits. “But I didn’t like it because you’re also my friend and my brother and I wanted to ask you why and I couldn’t even do that.”

Nicky squeezes the mug, gulping. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, and Nasima sniffles again, looking up at him now.

“My brother says you are. Truly? Because what you pulled was cruel, brother,” she asks, and Nicky nods, his breath hitching. Because he can always trust Nasima to not pull a punch, and also warm his heart in the same sentence. He knows that Yusuf told her everything. Nicky wanted him to. 

“I am,” he whispers, and if he sounds like he’s about to cry, then maybe he is. He wants Nasima to forgive him, but would she ever? She’s right after all. He was cruel, in what he did. And she’s the only one brave enough to say it to him. “It was cruel,” he adds, after, sniffling.

She continues to stare at him, taking a deep breath.

“You kept my scarf?” Nasima mutters after a moment, and Nicky laughs, weakly, nodding his head.

“I wore it probably more than I should. It’s not my colour,” he says, laughing again when Nasima shakes her head, scrunching up her nose.

“It really isn’t,” she mutters, biting her lip as she looks down.

“I’m sorry I was cruel,” Nicky whispers, after a moment, the word still feeling heavy on his own tongue. “I understand if you don’t forgive me,” he says, and Nasima sighs, gulping.

Her hands shake, around her mug, and when she looks up, her eyes are shining but she doesn’t cry. Nasima rarely cries. She feels just as strongly as her brother, perhaps more, but she can be steady and destructive, when she wants to be. Always careful, and quiet when she needs to, terrifying when she has to be. Fiercely protective of her family. Of her brother that she loves so much.

Nasima always knows exactly what to say, just like her brother, but she is much more devastating.

“Pain makes us cruel, especially when we feel unworthy of anything else,” Nasima says, and her words are soft, but they hit the mark all the same and Nicky feels out of breath, for a moment, and his tears start to fall. “My brother said you thought yourself an addition, like you were alone in your own corner. Such lonesomeness can make anyone cruel. Even the kindest of humans.”

Then she puts down her mug and takes his, putting it right beside hers. Nicky lets her, and closes his eyes when she just hugs him, throwing herself in his arms with such love and trust, and he returns it, his hold of her tight and squeezing.

“You are a fool and an idiot and stupid and all of those things for thinking that! And know that we don’t you say that to be mean, but we want you to understand!” she whispers, again, ever respectful of her surroundings, never wanting to be the reason to disturb anyone from their rest. But she never really does have to raise her voice to drive her words home. Nicky laughs, and squeezes her again.

He understands it. He really does.

“I know, Nasima,” Nicky whispers, and he knows then that she forgives him.

“Please don’t do that again. Don’t do that to Yusuf again. Never hurt my brother again, please,” Nasima whispers and she sounds like she’s choking and Nicky presses a kiss on her forehead. He can’t help but think just how Nasima had probably been the one to be there for her brother, holding Yusuf afloat in his pain after thinking that he had to let Nicky go.

“I promise,” he whispers, but she’s not done.

“Please don’t think that of us ever again. We love you, Nicky,” she continues, giving him a squeeze, and he nods. “You ought to know that. Please tell me you know, or at least we’re starting to get through to you.”

“I know, I know,” he says, and Nicky knows then that he means it.

He knows he is loved.

***

It takes more time after that, especially when it came to each other.

And each time Nicky and Yusuf would face a challenge, they would face it together. And they would talk, use all the words they know and more, and if they run out, if the words are simply not there, if Nicky finds that he cannot breathe, all he has to do is grab Yusuf’s wrist and tug on it. And Yusuf knows to give him time.

  
In turn, Nicky listens to everything Yusuf has to say, listens to the cadence of his voice, watches for any hesitation. Watches for any pause, any hitch of breath, because it’s not only him that’s been left insecure by all of this. And if Yusuf starts to spiral down, just like Nicky has many times before, he is there to catch him, to catch his heart, to reassure him that he’s there, always there. That he won’t walk away from him again.

Together, they figure it out.

They hold each other close, accountable.

And together, they get better.

“Heart?” Nicky whispers, one morning, later on, kissing Yusuf softly. The man hums, and meets him with a smile, and a gentle squeeze of his hand.

“Beloved?”

“I love you,” Nicky says, and he means the whole of him. The whole of him that loves himself, that offers himself to his heart, to his Yusuf.

And Yusuf smiles, eyes bright and knowing, and kisses him softly, and Nicky falls in with him, falls for him, knowing that his heart accepts him as he is.

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the end! 
> 
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> 
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> Seeing so many people subscribing, wanting to know more and it was so exciting. Then you see it in comparison to the kudos and the comments and it doesn't even add up, and as the writer, I can't help but wonder. 
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